Booze Fuelled Introspection, Anyone?

I am having quite the time with this Mrs. ________ business. It’s not that I have a problem with it or am having a hard time adjusting to it; I love it, I’m happy about it and all that. It’s just that I feel like I should feel more about it than I do. I want it to mean more to me and cause more emotion in me and it just doesn’t. I want to say I feel guilty about it but that isn’t the right emotion. I think the real problem is that I just don’t feel enough and I really want to.

I’ve been having this problem (if that’s what you’d call it) with various things for quite some time and am not really sure what to place the blame on. When it comes to things that should be meaningful and evoke strong emotion I just feel way less than I think I should. It’s like they just fall flat. I wouldn’t say I’m numb or anything dramatic and emo-ish like that but it definitely seems like the emotional equivalent to pins and needles – I can feel it and I recognize that it’s there but it’s just, I don’t know, dull somehow. Maybe it’s just me and a part of me being an adult; I’m just not an emotional person. I’ve been very aware of that for a long time but this seems different. Maybe it’s because so many Big things have happened in the last while and before that there wasn’t anything Big to not feel something about.

Maybe it’s just that mentally I’m putting too much emphasis on how I think I should feel and not enough on how I actually do feel. I guess that could be it, sounds right anyways. Like maybe I should spend more time exploring what the feelings I do have really mean to me rather than dwelling on whether or not I’m doing it right. While I don’t really like to say it there is one time where I feel things like I think I should and seem to have a clearer sense of my emotions and that’s after a few drinks. I’m not saying that I ever drink just to create that sensation and it’s not like I’m happy about the fact or like admitting it. I just know that after a few alcoholic beverines I tend to be able to focus on my emotions and what they mean to me with much more clarity. Maybe it has to do with the letting down of some kind of mental guard. Or maybe it has more to do with the fact that I am related to my perpetually leaky (and pie) eyed father.

On Saturday night after the bar I had a very clear sense of how I felt about a few things, including the rather imperfect in law situation. And there’s no use saying it was after a few drinks – I was fucking hammered. It was a good night, we had lots of fun, but a few things happened that got me kinda ticked about the way people are sometimes and when we were talking about it after we got home I just had such a clear perception of it all. I was able to put it into words and thoughts and all that. But do you think I could, ya know, REMEMBER any of it come morning? I wish I would have wrote some of it down but in retrospect I guess it’s better that I didn’t. What seems philosophical after countless vodkas usually seems down right retarded when you wake up.

I don’t know, I imagine this sounds awfully goofy. I also don’t talk about how I feel very often so I don’t know if I’m doing that right either. Of course there is no right and wrong but when you’re doing it for an audience – no matter how limited or random that audience may be – there is definitely a sense of, well, needing to make sense. I think it does anyway. But mostly I’ve just been thinking about it for a while and felt like maybe it was bloggable.